Friday, August 14, 2009

Eyes are Watching

One Sunday Michael was asking how godly we are when we are alone in our cars or other places. I quickly looked around to see if any of our Monday night Bible study ladies were looking my direction. It was just the week before that in the middle of teaching I suddenly confessed something. Wasn't even planning on confessing it. Had nothing to do with what was being taught. It just came out. It wasn't something super bad, I guess it was more like ornery. I told them that sometimes, well, every time I am in an elevator by myself I will push all the buttons before I get off. When I do it this little grin comes to my face. Only one side of my mouth though, not a full out grin. It kind of feels good to be a little bit ornery.

After the confession I could feel my face get red. I guess I felt vulnerable or something. We all kind of laughed it off until the next week when one of my "60-something" ladies said that she had been on the elevator that week and thought to herself "well Carol does it" and then talked herself out of pushing any buttons. I felt horrible. I've done some things in my life I'm not proud of and haven't broadcast those things because I don't want to give Satan more victory than he already receives. That statement made me realize I'm not supposed to unless the Lord directs it.

One lady asked if there was anything else I do when I'm alone. So it is with a little caution that there are a few more things I need to get off my chest. Stop my fingers, Lord, I almost said something else that didn't need to be said. Thanks. Okay, sometimes when I'm at a stop light and a big truck comes up beside me I rev my motor (or engine, whichever gets revved) just a little. Not enough for them to hear, just enough to get my gas-pedal foot a little excited. Then when the light turns green, I floor it. For the life of me, that little half grin automatically turns up on my face. I wonder if any of them go tell their buddies they just got beat at a light by a mini van. The poor dear in the truck may not have ever known they were in a race to begin with. But I knew. Boy did I.

Sometimes when I'm by myself at home I dance. The funny thing is that I don't know how to dance. I do know how to do pom pom routines. I heard that chuckle. It's been awhile since I danced by myself. The other day I saw the high school cheerleading national championships. Those toe jumps excited me. I stood up and stuck my arm straight up and kicked my toe up to my hand. Made my eyes water and my nose burn a little. I thought I ought to do it with the other leg too just to make the hurt even but decided not to. The half grin on my face then was one of those involuntary muscle twitches that happens when you lift something heavy. The Elvis lip thing.

A lot of rambling to say that we must always be aware that we are never alone. The Lord knows the attitudes and intentions of our hearts. It's okay to be ornery sometimes if no one gets hurt. Sometimes people see us when we don't think they do.

Oh Jesus, my greatest fear is that I will lead someone the wrong way because of my actions or my words. I don't want to. I want to lead them to You. I want to glorify You in all I do. Thank You for loving me even when I've disappointed You.

The lesson is that we don't have to share all our past sin to lead someone to greater godliness. Let the Holy Spirit do that. There may be a time that He needs you to share something with someone so they can have hope that their same mistake can be used for God's good. The other lesson? If you are about to get on an elevator and I come off with a half-grin on my face you may want to take the stairs.

3 thoughts:

bebe bird beck said...

haha You are so precious!! I love your sweet heart and your intense desire to love like Jesus does and lead his sheep. So beautiful.

Lisa said...

Carol.. I love ou so much..
I love reading your stories...
You have taught me to love Jesus like I never have before... I cannot thank you enough for what you do!!!
And oh yeah.. Thanks...
Blake hits ALL of the buttons on the elevator now...LOL

The Barnyards said...

This. Is. Hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I laughed so hard while picturing you doing a cheerleading kick!! Carol, I need to see you!