My eyes opened early this morning before the sun peeked through the window after a night of waking and sleeping. Tossing and turning. The girls come in after the carriage turned back into a pumpkin, so excited about their night of hunting. So proud that "she took it down with one shot clean through". At least that's what I think she told her daddy, I was trying to sleep.
Each time I woke, the heart was still beating too fast for sleep, the breath never slowed to deep. The brain was already thinking, planning, figuring before the wake came in full.
Weight on the chest got heavier each time I looked at the clock. Thinking of all that needs to be done - that should be done. Yesterday's load of towels still in the washer, now needing another bath. Lasagna pan with extra dishes still soaking in the kitchen sink. Another vacuuming and mopping needed after mud and grass were tracked in after forgetting the water was left on in the horse trough.
Phone calls to return, prescriptions to pick up, meals to prepare, gifts to finish before I board the plane on Friday to head west. And with all the preparations, still feeling unprepared. Wanting to show those sweet ladies Jesus in a way that makes them want Him more.
Clutter. My brain is filled with clutter. Covering up the truth, and making me feel so imperfect. The more I thought, the more the imperfection penetrated. Now covering every part of my life - momma, teacher, wife, pastor's wife, daughter, sister, mentor, friend. I'm a mess, I am.
Then I heard the rain hitting the roof and running off into the flower bed. Thank You, Father for the rain. My heartbeat slowed a bit. Thank You, Father, for the rain.
Thank You for his arm holding me close like spoons in a tray, breathing deep himself, but still protecting. For the girls asleep in their beds after their night hunting hogs and coyotes. For the almost full moon lighting our way to the barn to check on water before bed.
The heaviness was lessening. The breathing slowed.
Thank You for a washing machine - so that doing a load the second time isn't so difficult. Thank You for animals to feed and a vacuum cleaner that works well. Thank You for Italian food and for the smell of Palmolive dish soap. Thank You for mamaw's love and how I think of her when I do dishes with that dish soap.
The clutter was gone. Replaced with a gratefulness, a communication with the Sender of the rain.
Sometimes the clutter is all the things I know I need to do. Sometimes it is sin in my life. The stuff I focus on instead of Him. Idols made because of position in my heart.
The best things are not a clean house, perfect kids, great grades. The best thing is sitting at His table, talking with Him. And not always talking, but listening.
Hearing from His mouth that He loves me and that He made me. And He is Perfect God.