I Think I Am Back

Last year around this time I talked about my word for the year.  The word I felt like I was supposed to own was SACRIFICE.  I wanted to be stretched.  Whew.  This time of year is normally a time of reflection over the year past and anticipation of the year future, and I have been doing just that.  Honestly, I do not believe I owned the word SACRIFICE very well.  That makes me a bit sad.

I did give more to needs that I was aware of than I had ever done before, but I feel like it was just what I was supposed to do;  it wasn't above and beyond what I should have done.  Poo.

I wish there could be do-overs with my word SACRIFICE.

The year 2012 wasn't what I would describe as a fun year for me.  At times I didn't like it very much.  BUT.  There were a lot of really sweet things that took place: several came to know Jesus, and I saw growth in some girls I have prayed for.  A dream was fulfilled and we now have a place for widows to be able to live out their days with dignity.  What a blessing that is.

Overall, though, it was tough.

There was hurt that couldn't be shared because it was so personal.  I was afraid to write about disappointment and disillusionment because I didn't know what would come out.  I couldn't trust myself to write.

I wept over messed up marriages and barren wombs.  I beat myself up over my parenting skills, teaching skills, and leadership skills.  I would wake up early to pray for those whose hearts had turned from the Lord, and be in prayer for days on end as I went through daily routine. I stayed away from baby aisles in Walmart and Target because I didn't like that it wasn't time to buy.  There was no baby.

My heart seemed to be in constant communication with Him - because it had to be.

 I looked for Him everywhere so I could make it through days.  To make it through days without having to explain to anyone what was so heavy inside.   Conversation was constant between us.  I saw little glimpses of God because I needed to see Him.

Starting out this year, all of the hard things have not gone away.  I am not asking for stretching this year because I think it is still going on and I want to get through with this one first before I add another.

My word this year is not just one word.  It is three.  I had to use it before the year actually started so that I could serve with joy when asked.  My three words this year are GIVE MYSELF AWAY.

To me that means more than to just do things for people.  It is to give my pride, my selfish desires, my wants and needs - whatever is asked - unless the word stretching is involved (wink).  It means to be on my knees, willing to be used, ready to praise.

I was in Walmart about a month ago and my shopping cart turned on to the baby aisle.  I went there because, finally, after several years of no, we had yes.  We have babies coming!  I was looking at the car seats and I couldn't stand any longer.

I went to my knees right there on the baby car seat aisle in that huge store.  

I don't know who saw me or what they thought.  It doesn't matter.  There was no other place to be but on my knees.  It wasn't something I thought about doing.  It was an overwhelming sense of gratefulness that wouldn't let me stand.  Tears of thankfulness fell to the floor right there in my giving place.

So I am sort of glad it wasn't an easy 2012.  I became so much more dependent on Him that I believe I am better prepared to take on the next 350 days.

I am ready to see what it looks like to GIVE MYSELF AWAY.

... and then there were FOUR

We have great news!!!  Praises, praises, praises to the Father!!

Please pray with us that these two sweet babies stay tucked in all safe and sound until it is time to be in Mommy and Daddy's arms.

(And Poppa's, and Lollie's, and Uncle Kyle's and Aunt Jade's, and Uncle Adam's, and Aunt Hannah's, and Aunt Leah's, and Aunt Rachel's, and cousin Eli's and cousin Journey's.)

A Week in Tulsa

I loved getting to pick up Eli from school and see all of the kids for almost a week.  I loved getting to cook way too much food for them every night.  On Saturday I kept Journey and Eli so Kyle and Jade could go to the OSU game.  We went to Braum's, to Eli's soccer game, and then to Kayla's to make snickerdoodle cookies.  We left there to get yogurt before we went back to their house to play outside and work puzzles.  I was informed that I need to practice working puzzles.  Apparently I was a little disappointing in the puzzle making activity.

Kayla felt like going in to work a little on Saturday and I went to text her and realized I hadn't texted her all week - because I had BEEN WITH HER ALL WEEK !!!  Pretty sweet!

Pursuit is Beautiful to Me

They were only wearing fig leaves because they ate the fruit after being told not to.  One bite made the glory of the Lord fall right off of them.  They took one look at each other and grabbed the nearest leaf to cover up parts that didn't look quite the same.

God, in His all-sovreignty, could have thumped them right off the edge of the earth and started all over.  Instead, He gave them a chance for repentance.  

"Where are you?", He asked.

He gave them a chance for repentance.

He pursued them even when they weren't worth pursuing.

Oh my glory, I love that.

Many years later Abraham found out his nephew, Lot, was taken captive by the enemy.  Abraham gathered 318 of his trained family members to go get him.  They pursued until they found him and brought him back along with all of his possessions.

The word for pursue is "radaph" and it means

to pursue ardently, aim eagerly to secure, pursue; to chase after.

When I know someone who is not walking with the Lord, I can call on prayer warriors who will battle with me until they are back where they are supposed to be, losing nothing.

Sweet.

Psalm 23:6 says "Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever."  The word "follow"?  Yep, it is "radaph".  And because Jesus told the rich young ruler not to call Him good, but to use that word for God alone, you could say that "Surely God in His mercy will chase me down ardently all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

He loves me so much that He pursues me.  All the days of my life.  

That is beautiful to me.

He loves the ones I love so much that He unleashes the armies of heaven when I ask Him to, and hunts them down and brings them back to Him.  

That is amazing to me.

All I Did was Blink

I don't know how many more times I will get to do this while they are all still living at home.  A few weeks back Rachel and I were talking about when she might go off to college and we both got teary.  She came and sat in my lap and we cried. 

Rachel turned 17 three weeks ago.   Hannah and Leah will be 18 on Sunday.  

Just yesterday I was changing diapers all day long 

and sleeping 4 hours a night.

Every night before bed, they all come in our room and visit.  We catch up on the day and  figure out plans for tomorrow, give double kisses and whisper good nights and I love yous.

I would not trade these years for anything.

A Mom and Her Boys

I watched a young mom with two little ones standing on a curb about to cross the parking lot into Bealls Department store.  Their little heads looking up at her as she was talking.  Then they all looked both ways and scurried across to the other side.  One of them didn't just look once - his little head was going back and forth all the way into the store.  So cute.

At one time many years ago, I only had two kids.  Two little boys.  I loved them so much and honestly wanted to fulfill my childhood dream and have three more just like them.  They were perfect.

Those two little boys and I have walked through a lot of stuff together.  It seemed difficult at the time to raise them to be God fearing men with compassionate hearts.  I trained them and they listened and most of the time they obeyed.  Just like the two little kids in the parking lot.

As I sat there that day I wished that it was still that easy.  That you could hold their hands, give instructions, and they would eagerly do what was best for them.  

Now they are men and have jobs that are sometimes difficult.  They are surrounded by the ugliness of the world most of the time.  I have to trust their hearts into the hands of God.  I have to trust that they will seek Him and always strive to do the right thing.      

All I have is prayer.  All I have ever really had has been prayer.  I pray this over them almost every day.  

Blessed is the man

    who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,

nor stands in the way of sinners,

    nor sits in the seat of scoffers;

 

but his delight is in the law of the Lord,

    and on his law he meditates day and night.

He is like a tree

    planted by streams of water

that yields its fruit in its season,

    and its leaf does not wither.

In all that he does, he prospers.

 

The wicked are not so,

    but are like chaff that the wind drives away.

Psalm 1:1-4

 My little men.

Kyle always had something in his hand he could throw and 

Adam always had GI Joes.

Watching balloons at an end of school play day.  This was just a few days

 after we found out his dad was really, really sick.  I don't think either of us were thinking about balloons. (tear)

 Always so sweet - then and now.  Always quick to respond to texts with
"I love you, Momma." (tear)

After Adam's open heart surgery.

I love them both so much.
They will always be my little boys.